Bertrand Russell, being the troublemaker that he was, famously hid a teapot in outer space, somewhere between Earth and Mars. As an amateur astronomer, finding it has been a passion of mine ever since I got my dad got me my first telescope when I was 8. A few years ago I’d spend a long weekend out all night looking for it, when I made a startling discovery.
There is an advanced, alien civilization living on Mars.
I know… I was shocked too.
They are called “The Deyos” (I call them that. Their names are unpronounceable – they don’t even have a voice box. They communicate through some form of telepathy, which is great because – and you’ll have to trust me on this – conversations are much faster and in-depth when you can talk brain to brain). Now, if they are invisible, deliberately hiding from us, you might rightly ask “what do I care?”. Well, it turns out you should care a great deal.
See, about 6,000 years ago the Deyos became rather bored. They are so advanced that they are quite literally immortal – as different from us as we are to Neanderthals. They had too many television channels with nothing good to watch. King Deyos, their ruler, decided that reality TV was the way to go. Some developers got together, and said “hey, why don’t we make a new species – make them semi-intelligent, and see what happens? We’ve got this blue planet right here next to us, you can even look out your window and see them. We can put them there, watch them fumble about, killing, trying to learn about disease and science, and just see what the knuckleheads do. It’ll be great!”
The show was approved. They set up our planet as a zoo, and got us going. Like any good zoo, we can’t actually tell we are in a fake habitat—it looks natural. These guys went about setting up all the evidence, including fake fossils, fake radio-carbon data, and a whole bunch of scientific mysteries to keep curious little brains busy. Now, for the first 6,000 years the show was extremely successful (except for a few little hiccups. Every now and then some kids jump the fence, come down and write their name in a cornfield, or abduct some farmer in Louisiana… Spoiler – the anal probes aren’t for scientific reasons – they’re just kids screwing around. King Deyos seemed genuinely sorry about that, and most of the humans get returned). But we are living through the most peaceful time in human history, and I’m sorry to say it’s had a really bad effect on the ratings.
Now, when I first spotted them – completely by accident – they were going to raise my mind. But it turns out there’s an organization up there called AETH (Aliens for the Ethical Treatment of Humans), and they’ve been lobbying on our behalf almost since the show started. They don’t like how were treated, that were allowed to kill each other, and they actually think that – as a quasi-sentient species – we have some basic alien rights. The producer told me that the ratings have actually gotten really quite bad, and if they’re not improved, the show’s going to get canceled (and we will all be turned into reprocessed bio nutrients… In other words – Food!).
This producer risked his life to tell me, and cover-up that I know these things. But he’s given me a list of things that we can do to boost ratings. It’s not a complicated list, but it’s really important that we do these things.
Now you’re probably a smart person, which means you’re wondering how I know all this. Well, I saw their cities for a brief moment when they were recycling the cloaking device. I met the producer, he was a nice guy, genuinely couldn’t be a bigger fan of the show. It’s been revealed to me, I saw it all myself. And I have to say, I’d have to be a science fiction writer or something to make this kind of thing up. I can admit it, I don’t have that kind of imagination.
I will say, first of all, that the election of Donald Trump is obvious proof that I’m telling the truth. It was sweeps week up there, and they knew it would be good for a laugh. I mean, come on, is there really any other explanation? But I also have the producer’s notes – his commandments for the show. They’re on an advanced microcomputer – I can even ask it questions and he can give me an answer to almost anything. I could show it to you – I would – but we are still on live television. If I show it to you, the Deyos might see. They could come down and kill you and I to keep it all a secret, or worse, might just cancel the show. I hope you understand how difficult it is for me to ask you, a reasonable person, to take this on faith. I wouldn’t ask if there wasn’t any other choice.
If I knew you wouldn’t tell anyone, I could show it to you. But if you don’t believe, how can I trust you enough to show it to you? Once you’ve convinced me you’re a true believer, that you’ll never expose the truth to anyone, I can show you the evidence.
Further, if you don’t believe, let me appeal to your sense of reason. Ask yourself, what if I’m right? If I’m wrong, okay, you help a lunatic out with his strange little motions for a little while, it’s a good deed. But if I’m right? Well, are you prepared to risk yourself, in fact the whole human race, on the arrogant assumption that maybe were the only life in the universe? Sounds pretty selfish to me.
But, this begs the question… What do we do now?
Now, I don’t want to be food. I know you don’t want to be food either. I know you don’t want your children to be food. So it seems to me we have a common goal. We need to begin following these commandments to make the show more interesting.
We’re gonna need some money, a place to work out of (a church would be nice, we could get tax exempt status… I think the founding fathers wouldn’t mind), and we will go to work.
Are you with me?
If you’d like to donate to the Deyos Project, and help keep earth alive, you can do so here.
However you may also try to prove the Deyos do not exist, prove that this is all a lie. There is a $1,000 challenge to anyone who can prove that this is made up(1)Neither the challenge itself, nor any logical conclusions which might be drawn from having made the challenge, will be permitted to constitute evidence in regards to the challenge..
Footnotes [ + ]
|1.||↑||Neither the challenge itself, nor any logical conclusions which might be drawn from having made the challenge, will be permitted to constitute evidence in regards to the challenge.|